lamia_prime: (Default)
"Finally, I would ask you to explain to your client that his recent telephone message to his mother that he would 'shit' on her grave was crude and ignorant."

... Sometimes, this job has its perks!
lamia_prime: (Legolas Bunny)
Wrong numbers at the office are usually polite, occasionally curt, but rarely funny. Today, I got:

Me: "Thank you for calling Law Offices of Blah Blah Blah"

He: "Hi, I'd like to place an order for pick up."

Me: *blinkblink* "Sir, this is a law office, I'm not sure we can have your order ready in time."

He: "(laughs) Oh, well, I'd like two attorneys with extra cheese!"

Me: "That will be $8,000, and will be ready in 20 minutes."

Heh heh heh
lamia_prime: (Pete No Sense)
Dear dumb-ass client,

Lawyers ain't free. Those that are inevitably are young and shiny and new and fresh-faced and desperate to build up a client base.

The lawyer you use? Old and greedy.

And yes, when you sign a Fee Agreement with an attorney that says "I hereby request the Law Office of XYZ to provide me with legal service and legal representation in the following specific matter(s) and any future matters:", that is legally binding. And it means that when you call us about an issue that is unrelated to whatever you came to see us about initially all those years ago, you are still obligated to pay your bills by virtue of your signature on that document.

Saying "that paper that I have my signature on? That doesn't count, that was about something totally different!", that doesn't work. Seriously.

Forgetting that the second page of your F/A clearly states "all phone calls will be charged a minimum of .2 hours" is not our problem, but it IS your responsibility.

So when your irate opposing party calls your lawyer on his cell phone on a Saturday morning before breakfast, don't inform me that you shouldn't have to pay for that call, or that your uncooperative opposing party should have to pay it. The only way your opposing party got that number in the first place is because you gave it to her, despite your saying that the only reason you gave her the number was because the opposing party wanted it for her attorney. Your opposing party may be "a liar", but aside from the obviousness that if work done on your behalf is charged to you, the fact that YOU gave her his private cell phone means that you authorized him to speak with her. I cannot believe that you actually left a message on the office answering machine bitching about how "he should have hung up on her immediately". Oh puh-LEASE.

Also, in addition to yes, being financially responsible for all the calls you made to your attorney, - even when it "was just one little question here and one little question there"- and also being financially responsible for any calls made by your opposing party to your attorney, you are ALSO financially responsible for any calls made by your husband to this office on your behalf. ESPECIALLY when your husband was a client of ours before he ever met you.

Finally, when you are nattering in my ear about how you never expected this and didn't know that and don't understand why you should have to pay for the other thing, when I try to answer your questions and give you the relevant information, do NOT tell me that you're picking up on some attitude from me. I have NO PROBLEM with explaining in small words to you that I am trying to give you the info, but you keep talking over me because I am not saying what you want to hear. Of course I will itemize this bill for you, and I will happily send it today. It is so gracious of you to inform me that you will pay what you feel is acceptable each month, and extra gracious of you to hang up on me because I don't take your bullshit.

You may be a "strong woman" or whatever, but you're also an idiot. I look forward to sending out your future itemized statements, and charging interest on the overdue balance.

** )
lamia_prime: (LickMyPit)

No, llama, you're a fucking liar and I won't take the drop. I don't care how many fucking times you tell me that you gave me a sheet of paper with information on it, you did not. And you did not dictate "all of that information" this morning. I know this how? Because when I came back from lunch at 1pm, I checked and there was no new tape, no papers, and no fresh dictation.

You're a lying incompetent fuck, and when you find that piece of paper in a pocket of your coat, I expect a fucking apology or I will be shoving that piece of paper down your throat. Why down your throat? Because I don't want to have anyting to do with your flabby fucking white Republican ass.
lamia_prime: (WantFellatioAsWell)
Something smells manky in the office, like unwashed head or something. I've checked everything I can think of, and I'm reasonably confident that it's the huge box next to my desk, filled with all sorts of chemical packing whatevers, various types of plastic, and treated carboard. It only started after I got back from lunch, when the box arrived just before I left.



Completely unrelated news:

I am planning to do some minor culling of my flist in the very near future. If you don't comment, I never talk with you on IM or by email or in real life, I'm likely clicking the leetle box WOE DRAMA FLAIL.

If you have been looking for an excuse, a polite way to remove me from your list, consider this a free pass - no blood, no foul, no hurt feelings.
lamia_prime: (Default)
New machine arrived over lunch.

lamia_prime: (Picrd Finger)
Scrambling around in and across a poorly-paved parking lot three times each way, while wearing only a turtleneck and skirt, looking for an expert witness who can't be trusted to scratch his own ass, much less follow directions to a parking lot, is NOT good for my ankle, with or without cast.

Heaped up frozen snow? Check! Irregular ice under snow? Check! Patches of bare ice too? DOUBLE CHECK!
lamia_prime: (Default)
I expect, when a telemarketer or salesperson calls from overseas, that their English will not be of the highest quality. Fine, not a problem - I certainly can't carry on a conversation in the majority of foreign languages.


When a salesperson calls, whose first language is English, or at least American, I expect that there will be a minimum of dialectisms in their speech. Strong regional accent? Meh, you can change that but it's rarely necessary. You are making your living with your voice, you should make certain that it is a good instrument which reflects well on your and your product and company.

When you call a law office, vending an legal-community service, I expect you to speak properly. Concisely. Clearly. CORRECTLY!

Today, I got this gem: "Our salesman would like to set up an appointment to speak with youse."

South-Central PA much?

lamia_prime: (Latin Mofo)
Lemme tell you how much I enjoy having to hang up on my husband to find CMM on the other line.

lamia_prime: (Default)
Curiously enough, I had a lot of disagreeable dreams last night about being chased and harassed.


The office morning started with Llama calling to say that he was having a gall-bladder attack, and didn't know if/when he'd be in, followed by a Judge's sectrary calling to find out if counsel could meet on Monday. "Yes, fine!" say I, all efficient, and hang up the phone to fetch Llama's date book. Wherein I find that he has crossed off ALL of his Monday appointments and written "NO APTS", and I got to call the Judge's secretary back and apoligise profusely (never piss off the Judge's secretary EVER) and now she's tweaked at me because I've fucked up her nice schedule. And I can't call the Llama and find out WTF he meant with Monday, because hello, gall-bladder attack.


Hubby stayed up for something like 24 hours yesterday, unable to sleep, and then fell asleep on the sofa around 7 last night. Which is fine, but it does ruin any plans for doing ANYTHING except puttering on the 'puter until bedtime.

I'm gonna hide under my desk until today is over, do you think anyone will mind?
lamia_prime: (Default)
Dear Mr. X,

On Thursday, February 2, 2006, you entered my office and thrust documents upon my assistant, and videotaped my assistant and the interior of our premises while delivering documents apparently involving a Custody case in which this office is not involved. The appearance of this office and this attorney are not entered in this case, and we are not authorized to accept service of these documents.

Ye Olde Legal Spin and Backhand )

And to quote Jay and Silent Bob: "Bitch."

lamia_prime: (Default)
FREAK - Get the fuck out of the office with your invalid subpoena and your invald service and your fucking videocamera and your stink of a meth lab.

lamia_prime: (Default)
F'ing tired, uh huh. Was having an intruiging dream about being a medieval detective or something when the alarm went off. Something about cats and erasing heraldry and a murder. Dunno.

This is not work safe, only because the blogger curses more than I do. Otherwise, it's cute animals that make your teeth itch.

Boss comes back tomorrow, so I'm doing a week's worth of catching up in a comfortable and relaxed manner, so that tomorrow I can just drop a pile of files on his lap and wash my hands like Pilate. I fully expect that I'll be running around like an idiot anyway, because of his insecurities and lack of planning, but that's neither here nor there.

Today I wear "Tezcatlipoca". Hubby still likes "Anne Bonny" best, but we shall see...
lamia_prime: (Default)
uh, hello and fuck OFF?

I'm sitting at work, ostensibly typing a document, but really quite involved in playing a computer game.

Middle-Aged White Man In Tie whirlwinds into the office, toothy grin and candy box in hand.

Says "Aw, don't look so dour, it's christmastime!"

I blink and reply "Yeah, and I'm in the office!" (which part of I clearly would rather be home baking cookies is the complex part?)

Forced joviality continues. Apparently this guy is owner of the building, or close to it. I have seen him once, perhaps twice (you know, come the holidays when he delivers a 1lb box of candy, THE SAME KIND THAT WE HAND OUT), never introduced himself, I suppose I am presumably to know his wonderfulness through osmosis.

He starts to head from Llama's office "I'd like to just give this to him..." And even before the words "FUCK OFF" or "I'm sorry, he's busy right now" can come from my mouth, he's past my desk, and sees the closed office door. Smile falters. A few more bits of drivel are exchanged, I promise to deliver said box of chocolate (removing it from where he's laid it on top of the ledge, over my tower, which is QUITE warm, stupid) and he whirlwinds back out of the office.

A. I don't know you. I don't care that you and Llama have been best buddies since 3rd grade or you both nailed the same chick down in Tijuana back in '64. You're not getting in there. That's why I get paid.

2. FUCK YOU. Don't tell me to cheer up just because it's "Christmastime". First off, bullshit, it's the 16th. MY winter holiday is 5 days away, YOURS is over a week from now. Second, FUCK YOU, maybe my dog died, or I got a flat tire coming in to work, or my insurance rates just increased, who the fuck do you think you are telling me to cheer up because of some arbitrary calendar date?



We now return you to your regularly scheudled pre-lunch lj.
lamia_prime: (Default)
I just got a phone call from a client (it's clearly Monday) asking for the office email, no problem, easy answer.

He then says "there are some attachments, they look like little paperclips, I don't know if you're familiar with that, you can just, uh, double-click on that."

Thanks, mister, I'll try to puzzle it out. Can I call you if I can't open the attachments by waving a paperclip at the "tv screen" that I'm currently staring at?

lamia_prime: (Default)
A modest suggestion:

If you are going to buzz me on the intercom and tell me that there are no phone numbers for client A on the file (duh, it's a sub file), and you need to get in touch with client A, you might consider having a pen ready. Not bothering to go for your pen until I have started reading off a phone number doesn't make me look bad, no matter how much you try.

And really, if you didn't do this almost daily, I would ignore it. But you do this ALL THE TIME.
lamia_prime: (Default)

So I spent all morning typing a Brief, using an existing Brief for formatting purposes.

And saved without renaming.


Glad I don't have any big plans for the afternoon, just retyping the original 11 page Brief....
lamia_prime: (Default)
Oh, lookee, as expected, a $30 floral arrangment in autumn colors. An' a balloooooon.

He even picked it up himself, instead of having it delivered. How nice.

Better than him forgetting, I reckon ;)
lamia_prime: (Default)
SO nice...

I am lazy. I know this because my boss tells me so. I am too busy "knitting" (actually, it's tent stitch this week, backstitch last week, quit being deliberately ignorant) to be looking for the information I need to properly prepare documents.

Even though he lost the papers I need, and I am recreating information from memory, cross-referencing between calendars, other cases, and the paperwork that I can find in the file.

I am lazy. But it's easier for him to call me on the intercom and get me to come in and find the file on his desk which is under exactly one piece of paper, than it is for him to exert himself looking for it.


Tomorrow had better be an improvement, that's all I'm sayin'....
lamia_prime: (Default)
Hee hee hee

Called the police department and reported an obscene phone call. About 20 minutes later, an officer called and asked me about my report, so I explained our office policies, the background, and read to him from my lj (because that was half the reason for the posting, to document) the interaction between me and Mr. Cumstain.

The cop laughed through almost the entire recitation, was really amused and astounded by the guy's behavior, and was very excited when I confirmed that we would be reporting the company to the FCC. Was obviously shaking his head as he agreed that the behavior was outrageous.

Cop said he'd call the company, and asked me if I would be happy with that resolution? I said that I would be happy if he told the company to remove our number from their fax database, and inform them that we would defibanately be reporting them to the FCC, have a nice day! He said that he would, and we hung up.


lamia_prime: (Default)

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